Byline: Dawn Collinson
AFTER a lifetime of existing contentedly in the televisual wilderness of terrestrial-only channels, I have finally been dragged kicking and screaming into the digital age.
I have previously resisted the need for more TV on the basis that: a) I swear I don't have enough time to watch what we do have.
b) I always imagine that I will spend what spare hours I do have doing something mind-broadening or in some way philanthropic. Maybe examining the emotional agony of Chekhov or weaving placemats for the needy.
The EarringsObviously I do neither. I dedicate most of it to trying to read an entire Sunday newspaper before the next week's arrives and creates an ugly logjam in the magazine rack.
But nevertheless the argument has held water until this weekend, when it sprung an irreversible leak.
After months of husband casually leaving copies of What Hi-Fi, Sound & Vision lying around (rack too full with last two months worth of Sunday papers), I have taken the bait.
So now we have a lovely digital TV, with integrated Freeview and a lot of pixels.
I'm not sure I entirely understand what that means, but in practical terms it enables us to access 40something channels instead of my preferred five. Actually, I liked it better when there was just four, because I have no interest in bargain basement soft porn, European footy no other channel wanted or Nazis.
The world is my oyster. Or, at least, Britain and the USA are because that's where my channels are coming from, with the exception of S4C which is irritatingly woolly round the edges, like a proportion of its viewers.
I can watch American sitcoms where people still have curly perms, I can see even more X Factor because two hours on a Saturday night just isn't enough, and I can watch next week's episode of Lost this week, just in case I don't make it through seven more days.
Most crucially, though, I now have four different ways to buy unmissable bargains that I don't want and wouldn't ever want even if they were giving them away (rather than auctioning them for a pound).
Yes, I have unprecedented access to a whole host of shopping channels, all of which appear to be fronted by people who believe they are addressing someone in therapy.
"Ladies, we all love something sparkly, don't we?" simpered one chirpy blonde, with an unflinching Stepford grin.
Do we? I don't think I do, even if it is only pounds 7.99 and solid sterling silver.
Sheila from Dagenham clearly begged to differ.
Gucci Replica WatchesI have to admit that I did catch myself wondering if I knew two people who would like a pair of watches, one for day, one for evening - that's thoughtful, isn't it? But I soon realised that definitely I didn't.
Still, there is something strangely compulsive about these channels so friends should probably approach Christmas with trepidation.
I fear the frenzy to buy something diamonique might just have overwhelmed me by then